All By Myself
by Griever5
Summary: pls pls read and review this! it's my first fic. consructive critisism is welcomed.


All By Myself  
Squall stood at the second floor deck, staring out at the night sky. The stars twinkled, and a shooting star streaked across the sky. His sapphire eyes followed it, watching it move across the sky, leaving a trail of fiery light behind it. Squall raised his gloved hand to his forehead, rubbing the scar between his eyes. There was a dull ache behind his eyes and his head was throbbing. He looked around him, silence pressing against him from all sides. Alone. Squall bowed his head, an unfamiliar tide of emotions washing over him.  
  
When I was young  
  
I never needed anyone  
  
Squall felt tired. He remembered the last time he felt alone, abandoned by the one whom he thought would be by his side forever. It had destroyed him, making him into what he was now. He remembered his previous mission, to kill this future 'sorceress'. He recalled how he burst into her house, watching how her husband charged at him, her son crying. He remembered the feel of his gunblade tearing through bone and flesh, a wave of blood splashing over his hands and face. He remembered so vividly, the man falling to the ground, already dead, he remembered the woman.no.the 'sorceress', screaming, begging for her life. He had stared down at her, gunblade dripping with blood, pressed against her neck. "You monster how could you?" Her last words as his blade sliced inward, killing a mother in front of her son. Monster. That was what so many people called him, so many times, again and again. They didn't understand. He wasn't a monster, he wasn't a devil or any of the insults that they called him, screamed at him, before they died. He was a SeeD.  
  
And making love was just for fun  
  
those days are gone  
  
Squall thought of the missions that he had went on. So many missions, so many times. Alone. He didn't understand why every one else had to leave. First it was Rinoa, his so-called 'girlfriend', She had left him one day, standing in the rain, pain tearing his heart into pieces. She had thrown his ring at him, and he had walked away, leaving the shiny band of metal lying in the mud. She had spat in his face, screamed at him, asking why, why, always asking why. And he had no answer. Why? People always asked him, why are you so cold, so inhuman? Why do you always hide your feelings? Why, why, why. And always, every time they had asked. always, every time. he had no answer. Then it was Selphie and Irvine. They had wanted a new life; they couldn't stand murdering over and over again, the innocent people that they did not know. They had to leave before it was too late, before they themselves had died, inside, hearts hardening. Quistis was tired of teaching, and she wanted to relax, live life again anew. She wanted to go teach in little villages, where it was peaceful and where the wars of economy and power would not reach her. After Quistis, it was Zell. He left, a flicker of sadness in his eyes. He too had asked, why? Why did he want to stay here, in a mercenary school, why did he want to go on killing just for money? Why. Again. Zell had left, begging him to 'open up', be more human. And he had watched Zell leave, his face blank and expressionless. Zell had said he would visit. But he never came back. And Squall was all alone again. For the second time of his life, he was alone.  
  
Livin' alone  
  
I think of all the friends I've known  
  
When I dial the telephone  
  
Nobody's home  
  
"Sis." He whispered to the night, remembering his 'sister', the one who had left him all alone as a child and never came back. She had bought him to Matron's Orphanage, after his mother died. He remembered how he loved his 'sister', how he would always play with her. She would help him get out of trouble and save him from a beating. Then one day, he had awaked.and she was gone. No goodbye, no note. No message from Matron, the woman who took care of the orphaned kids. She was gone, just like that. That day, he found out how easy it was to lose something precious to you. He had spent the whole day sitting at the front steps, waiting for her to come back. Day after day, in the rain, feeling the cold seeping through his clothes as he stood outside, waiting and waiting, crying out for her. "Sis! Sis! Where are you?" he had screamed to the gray sky, raindrops falling onto his up turned face. Waiting for her to come back. So many days of waiting, but she never came back.  
  
All by myself  
  
Don't wanna be  
  
All by myself  
  
Anymore  
  
After that, he had changed. He was no longer a carefree child. It had hurt so much, the pain that he felt when sis had left him. But he didn't cry. He couldn't cry. something inside him, something that made everyone else human, had died. His emotions. He thought that if he couldn't feel, couldn't be reached, he wouldn't get hurt. And so he began to build a wall around his heart. His heart froze, emotions dwindling to nothing as the days passed. His face was blank most of the time except for a small frown. His once blue eyes had turned stormy and gray, with a hint of fear in them. His eyes were shuttered, so that no one could see into his mind, his thoughts and feelings. He had grown cold, forgetting what emotions were, as the wall around his heart grew thicker and higher, his heart colder and colder, as days became weeks and weeks became months.  
  
Hard to be sure  
  
Sometimes I feel so insecure  
  
And loves so distant and obscure  
  
Remains the cure  
  
He became known as the 'lone wolf', when he came to Balamb garden, at the age of seven, a school for mercenaries. The first day when he came to Balamb Garden, the instructors had tried to be kind, treating him like the other kids, the ones that where crying or sad. They were shocked when they looked into his empty eyes, the eyes of one that had suffered too much. He had insulted them, telling them he did not need their help, that he was not weak. He had nowhere else to go, and this place was his only choice. He 'liked' this place, this place where the strong reigned, where emotion was frowned upon, where everything was organized, a school of robots. He felt detached, a spectator of his own life. Days passed and he watched himself with his shining silver blade as he trained, months passed and his eyes lost their childhood, his words grew rarer. He trained day and night; falling over from exhaustion at the end of the day prevented him from staying awake, from having spare time, from thinking. Every one, including the headmaster avoided direct eye contact with him. His gray eyes flat and unflickering as a frozen pool, his piercing gaze scaring away many people.  
  
All by myself Don't wanna be  
  
All by myself  
  
Anymore  
  
All by myself  
  
Don't wanna live  
  
All by myself  
  
Anymore  
  
Squall remembered how everyone had left him, one by one, even as a child. First his mother had died; he didn't think that that was her fault. But his father had gone to war and he never came back. His father had never tried to find him or get in contact with him. And now, 13 years later, his father had reappeared, begging for forgiveness that Squall could not give. His father, Laguna, had said to him, " I know I left you.but that was in the past and I'm here now. Please." Squall had ignored him. He recalled telling him, "A child doesn't remember why he was abandoned, and only that he was." Even as a child, Squall had been pretty independent and hated depending on other people too much. He just didn't trust them to be there for him when he needed them. He had thought they would just run away and leave him.  
  
When I was young  
  
I never needed anyone  
  
Making love was just for fun  
  
Those days are gone  
  
Gazing at the sky, he remembered why he had locked himself in his own mind. The pain, when everyone left, burned into him, so painful that it almost seemed physical. A dull ache in his heart when he realized he had no one to turn to anymore. He was alone and had to depend on himself.again. When he met Rinoa, she had forced him to open up and feel more. Now, he regretted doing so. Before, the pain would have just been a slight tingle, a dull throb in the distance. But now, the pain was crystal clear, and he could feel it, running through his veins, filling his head with screams that echoed through his head.  
  
All by myself  
  
Don't wanna be  
  
All by myself  
  
Anymore  
  
He raised his head to the sky, feeling a burning sensation behind his eyes. "I can't live like this anymore." He whispered, hurt ripping his heart to pieces.  
  
All by myself  
  
Don't wanna live  
  
Oh  
  
Don't wanna live  
  
By myself, by myself  
  
Anymore  
  
Squall closed his eyes, images flashing in his head. Beautiful Rinoa, smiling at him, the first time they met, raising her index finger, pointing to the fireworks. Playful Zell, always there to cheer him up, probably the most reliable of all. Cheerful Selphie, laughing and lifting hearts when everyone was down. Flirtiest Irvine, always trying to charm the girls, as loyal as one can be. Gentle Quistis, his teacher and friend, teaching him how to get through life. Last of all, Ellone, his 'sister'. The one who had left him, starting the cycle of emptiness in his life.  
  
By myself  
  
Anymore  
  
Oh  
  
All by myself  
  
"I'll be alright." A tear fell from his cheek.  
  
Don't wanna live  
  
I never, never, never  
  
Needed anyone  
  
Squall leaned forward and dropped off the edge.  
  
~END~ 


End file.
